Date: 11 Jul 2012 12:04 PM Title: Consequence
so sad. jacob was such a tool. i like that you concentrated on the emotional reactions to sex rather than the physical. :)
Date: 07 Jul 2012 1:40 AM Title: Consequence
It's tremendously brave of you to write about something so personal. I'm sure we all put pieces of ourselves into our work, but this obviously hit very close to home for you.
It's hard for me to critique because of that, so I'll just say thank you for sharing. I think you fulfilled the assignment beautifully.
Author's Response:
Thank you, hunnie. It was in a way...difficult to touch on because it was personal to me. But I really truly believe the best kinds of fanfictions and even real original works comes from our pasts. :)
Date: 06 Jul 2012 9:43 PM Title: Pre-Assignment
I imagine this was hard to write. And I think the pain and guilt you were trying to convey came through very clearly. Nice job writing a lemon that wasn't meant to be sexy. It could be easy in a class called Smut University to always got for the bodice-ripper style sex scene. This was heartfelt and true. Good for you.
Author's Response:
Thank you, darling. Like I said, it felt like it helped to write it out. :)
Date: 06 Jul 2012 6:06 PM Title: Consequence
First, I'd like the address the use of your own experience in this story. I think that a lot of us probably can relate to your experience in school/communicating with people. I think that's why we write - it is our best way to express ourselves. Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in that feeling.
The angst/guilt was perfect. I think this line really summed it up for me: "After all the chances Jacob had and he picks now when I’ve begun to move on and start a life that he gave me no choice but to make. This was dirty and I was absolutely dirty for allowing this to happen."
When you said she saw "victory" in his eyes instead of love, my heart broke for her. What an asshole.
Great job on this lesson. I really felt it. I can see why you hated the lemon...it wasn't sexy/romantic, but it wasn't meant to be, I think.
Author's Response:
Thank you. And yes...I have a very difficult time communicating in real life. My brain makes sense, but to get it out in the open...people are like "what the heck?" While I read the TwiSaga, I imagined this to be Bella's thoughts too. She's a quiet and to-her-self kind of girl, so I think using my experiences were almost mirroring hers so it worked.
Thank you on the line choice. Do you know how helpful writing this out was for me? I've held this inside me for god knows how long and releasing it was just...freeing. The situation really angered me when my ex choose that moment to finally give in. I mean HELLO! *shakes head* Men.
And thank you very much. I'm glad you liked it. :)
Date: 06 Jul 2012 12:12 AM Title: Consequence
* Painful. Wow, thanks for sharing.
* "Communicating what’s in my head and making it come out of my mouth to make sense is more difficult then you’d think. "-OH, how I relate to this!
* This was good. Thank you for writing.
Author's Response:
Thank you! These are thoughts coming straight out of my head but I know these are the same thoughts Bella has. Its perfectly clear by the way she acts. I definately feel much better about this assignment. Now I need to get reading myself! :)
Date: 30 Jun 2012 5:51 PM Title: The Submarine
The position you chose was very adventurous. I would love to check that one out! LOL.
There was a little bit of mechanical description as Paul told her what to do - perhaps instead of telling her, he could have eased her body into place? That might have made it flow just a little smoother.
I also felt like they went from friendship, to tentative affection, to insane adventurous sex in like no time. It didn't feel justified to me.
I can totally see these two togther, but I think they needed to be in a different place in their friendship/dating status at the start for me to believe where they ended. Does that make sense?
Otherwise, really nice job. Go hot tub sex!
Author's Response:
Thanks hun. I was a little rushed to get this one out only because I had had a super busy week in RL. I had completely missed a lot of valid points you make in this review. Nonetheless, I think the next one will be a little better. Hopefully.
Date: 30 Jun 2012 6:11 AM Title: The Submarine
This is the first Bella x Paul pairing I've come across and you didn't disappoint! I was just wondering about Paul not getting Bella ready before he plunged right in, but I'm thinking Bella was already so turned on, so he might not have needed to. And the position! I love it. It really is interesting. :)
Author's Response:
OOO, breaking your PaulxBella cherry?! YES!! *fist pump*
Yeah...again, I was rushed last week - I missed a whole lot of valid points. Next time will be better, promise. :)
Thank you.
Date: 30 Jun 2012 2:24 AM Title: The Submarine
This was an interesting pairing to me... but this school has really opened my eyes to a lot of different pairings, I am usually all about the canon pairings.
I thought your description of the position was right on, I could picture it perfectly. That she wasn't a virgin made this more likely to me, because this is varsity level sex. My only complaint is the lack of foreplay, she doesn't seem excited enough for him to just push all up in her...ouch.
Overall I think this was a great read.
Author's Response:
Yeah, I love the diversity too. A lot are still EdwardxBella, but its nice to have a little wolf pack added to the mix now and again I think.
Thank you for the review and comments!
Date: 27 Jun 2012 9:41 PM Title: The Submarine
Aw, he asked her out ... after giving her a wild ride. :) I love how you don't have the jackass Paul. It's been done so many times.
You did great with the position, without being too mechanical. I didn't need the link. Really enjoyed how you used the submerged ears and her not able to hear the typical — definitely an exotic sensation.
I do wonder about the water messing with her natural ... lube. I imagine it could ... dry her out. :/ And without a lot of foreplay, it might not be as easy. But maybe Bella was just that hot and ready for him, right?
Either way, I enjoyed it. Thanks for writing and sharing. Don't be nervous! You did a good job. :)
Author's Response:
Haha, I had to have him ask her out. It just wouldn't be nice if he didn't. Though thats typical Paul fashion, this Paul is as sweet as Jake so it would've been mean if he didn't. LOL.
I was very interested in this position when I was looking it up and was like, "Hey Jimmy...we should try this sometime" to my husband. He looked at me like I had 4 heads. Perhaps I'll just live bi-curiously through my characters! LOL.
Date: 27 Jun 2012 3:18 PM Title: The Submarine
It was definitely interesting to see an unconventional pairing like Bella and Paul because Paul's almost always portrayed as the bad guy but here, he's perfect. :) My only concern was that the water might wash off Bella's natural lubrication and make sex a little uncomfortable. But other than that, well done! :)
Author's Response:
Yeah, I thought long and hard about making him a bad or good. I wanted him in a different light this time around. Next time he might not be so...nice. :P
I agreed too when I was researching the different positions but I liked this one the best for some strange reason. I think its cool because it can show your strength while doing it!! Thanks for your comments. :)
Date: 27 Jun 2012 12:46 PM Title: The Submarine
Yay for hot tub sex, and yay for the pairing! I love seeing the wolves get some love :) And Paul always is portrayed as a bad guy, so it's nice to see him in a different light here. I do wish you had done Paul/Rachel, because there are so few Rachel stories out there, but Bella was good too.
I must say that Paul's sudden entry was surprising. I seemed like Bella was still unsure, and with little foreplay, my mind went "ouch!"
As for the position, not sure I would try it myself (I'm a little sensitive about drowning), but you described it well and not too mechanically :)
I really like the ending - it was sweet. Would you go on a date with me? After we had this phenomenal sex? She's be a fool to say no!
Author's Response:
A Rachel/Paul...oh hell no! That pairing, to me, was all wrong. I think Bella is much more suited for Paul than Jake's sister ever will be But I'm so happy you liked the pairing!
And I've jumped into sex with no foreplay before...it didn't hurt. Sometimes when I think of these things I think of some of my *cough* own experiences - especially the feeling parts. But yeah...I can see what you're saying but for me...unless I'm completely turned off, jumping into it doesn't get me all ouchy. Plus I figured the water helps add to the wetness. :P
I'm scared of drowning myself too and when I told my husband of this position his eyes nearly bugged out of his head in I think...interest. Freaky little bastard. LOL. And I'm happy you liked the ending. I needed a nice cherry! :)
Date: 27 Jun 2012 4:52 AM Title: The Submarine
* "I was nervous. I was excited. I was every in-between" Genius line!
* I liked this. I think I wanted more on her feelings about him as a friend before she agreed to anything-the hot tub sex, the date and round two. He's one of her best friends, but I don't know specifically what she enjoys about him or anything. I'm not a wolf girl, and it takes a little convincing for me to get there with unconventional pairings.
* I really enjoyed her discovery of his erection. Very realistic dialogue you wrote there! Thank you for writing.
Author's Response:
Really?! AWWW, thanks hun! I've never had any dialogue I've ever written be "genious" so I'm honored you think so. *blush*
I debated on going into some detail of feelings, but I wasn't sure if you guys just wanted me to get on with the show (like I was dragging it on in complete bordom).
And thank you, sweetheart. I'm glad you think it was realistic enough to pass as decent! :)
Date: 27 Jun 2012 2:39 AM Title: The Submarine
Yes, you got it right. Yes it was enjoyable. You did a great job!
Author's Response:
Thank you hunnie! I appreciate the comment! :)
Date: 17 Jun 2012 8:53 AM Title: Pre-Assignment
so sad to see this go from ffn. but don't worry chica i'll drop you another review here (albeit a different one, since i've already forgotten what i said before!)
i'm not a big fan of jake and bella, but i enjoyed reading this. it has just the right amount of fluff, humor and smut. :)
Author's Response:
Yeah...it stunk having to pack up and move. But I'm much happier here!
Thank you, darling for the kind words. I'll skip off to yours in just a bit! :)
Date: 17 Jun 2012 6:20 AM Title: Pre-Assignment
* "God Bella you're so fucking tight," I don't why this (you're so tight) is so hot, but it is.
* I'm never a Jacob girl-I know a lot of people are. I'm not judging. That being said, the thing that gets me with the Bella/Jacob kiss in Eclipse is that she notices he's not being gentle and she doesn't have to be careful either. Powerful and rough is GOOD. I like that you referenced things from the original story in yours (being careful, my smile, warm hands).
* I liked that you didn't make Bella a virgin in this. That she'd had sex once (presumably with Edward) and it wasn't that good. How nice for Jacob that he got to redeem it for her.
* "Hope for you?" Of course, Silly. I liked this a lot. It was original and believable. It was very straight forward, but there's nothing wrong with that.
* Thank you for writing.
Author's Response:
Awww, thank you!! I'm not an ExB lover, but there are a few out there that make me pants and my heart thumps. So I know exactly how you feel. That being said, thank you for the honest review. I am pleased you liked my beginning.
I'll be skipping to yours in just a few my darling!! :P
Date: 17 Jun 2012 1:58 AM Title: Pre-Assignment
Aw, I wish more people could see the potential of Jacob and Bella fics. Being a non-canon shipper, I'm so glad there are some non-canon lovers in the class. The small nod to canon, the premise, and the smut was good.
My favorite lines:
— "And then I looked at his manhood. My mouth salivated."
— "Tingles shot through my body in pleasure of bringing him pleasure."
— "When I come, it'll be inside you." (I don't care how common this is said. It's still hot.)
A few things to watch out for:
— Dialogue tags. Don't use more than one for one line (Ex. "I know and I don't care," I told him. "I want you," I confirmed.) If you can avoid using them, opting for an action instead, even better.
— Your semi-colon usage (here's a helpful yet funny article on them, if you're interested)
— Similes. ("we found our releases both screaming like hyenas" kind of threw me off. Sorry. :/)
Other than that, I enjoyed it! Looking forward to seeing more from you with upcoming assignments. :)
Author's Response:
LOL!!! Thank you for the review. I am horrid at punctuation - always was in English class, haha.
I appreciate your thoughts and I'll get to yours in just a few. RL has me WAYYY backed up!