Good original story! :) however, i feel it ends rather abruptly and almost feels hurried at the end. You have so much great build up and anticipation then...... It kind of just skimes over the "relase" (forgive the pun) so perhaps consider an expansion of the ending. All in all though you should be very proud of this, as it takes a lot of gutts to post a creative work for public constructive comment, and i commend your courage :) 

~wascas