Date: 11 Apr 2016 10:15 PM Title: Chapter 30: Happy times over the years
I always thank writers because it's hard to write these stories and then release them to the public and then ask them to review. That's why I try to always stick to the end. Truly thank you. You had the potential of good story bones but your characters and story archs need meat. Unfortunately, this Edward and Bella are hard to like and often times understand their motivations. Maybe it's just too much non-directional drama/angst (Manwhore, romance, break up, adoption, child abuser, assult, dying mother, family dynamics, past lover angst, friends, jealous co-workers, misunderstandings, mafia, sexually assulting doms, wedding, pregnancy...) all of these things make good stories maybe not all together when not flushed out. With a really good beta and tightening of your outline you could turn this out solid. Many have done it before. Fiction should always have depth, character layers and be believable in our imaginations. That's why fanfiction is so successful it's mostly based originally on really good fiction. Good luck and never give up. Carry on...
Date: 18 Feb 2011 1:52 PM Title: Chapter 2 A Hurt Angel and Bad Jake
Okay I said this had potential, but it doesn't. Sorry. I hate being negative.
Main characters to familiar very quickly to the point of sexual harassment. Crying in front of a new employee, wouldn't happen. Everything totally not believable. Plus, bad syntax, grammer and spelling. The idea had merit.
You need a Beta. Better luck in the future, keep writing you'll get better.
I just got a beta that is looking over everything. When it's done I am reposting.
I know some thing don't make sense...but it's fiction.
What can I say? Thank you for trying it.
Date: 14 Jan 2011 5:57 PM Title: Chapter 17: Edward's story BPOV
BS... Edward had sex with her 10 times and Bella just took it all in with no tears.. BS..
forced or not that would hurt he got it up for her. OKAY
I know it was a little off...but it was my first attempt at violence...I'm sorry if it didn't look good.
Date: 14 Jan 2011 10:26 AM Title: Chapter 11: Charlotte and Edward's past
this is such BS>. Why would he put either woman in this situation. He knows.. He has lied and lied and hell he is STILL Lieing.
First, thank you for reading my story. Now, answering...well...this is Edward, but he is changing. You won't recognize him by the end of the story. :)
Date: 06 Jul 2010 2:05 PM Title: Chapter 36: Outtake 6
I love it! Please don't end it!
Can we have more outtakes
in E's pov? Please!!
PS Thank you for a job well done!
It was wonerfully brilliant all the way
I'll think about it. I love this story. for now, I am focused my life and then my new stories.
Date: 29 Jun 2010 11:33 AM Title: Chapter 27: A step closer to happiness
another fantastic chapter...just so you know, I miss you in french is actually 'Tu me manques' but its not a big deal, as i said just so you know xx
Thanks. I'll correct it when I have some free time xx
Date: 27 Jun 2010 6:48 PM Title: Chapter 29: Surprises
I can't believe Bella is acting so crazy. I didn't freak out when I went into labor. It is not like it is not a planned event. That is why you go to those classes. There is no reason to scream. That baby is not going to just fall out. She has plenty of time to get there. She should not scare Lizzy that way.
That's Bella and she wouldn't be herself if she hadn't dramatized it.
Date: 27 Jun 2010 7:54 AM Title: Chapter 23: Lizzy's birthday
When Edward was asking Bella if it was a bet, it reminded me of that one part in the movie "She's All That" hehehehe... I like this story. I don't know why Bella is all emotional all the time, though. LOL, I hope she gets pregnant anyways.
That's how Bella is... The pregnancy will come later
Date: 24 Jun 2010 8:03 PM Title: Chapter 20: The proposal
I can't believe Bella didn't say yes. How can she be so cruel. If you love someone enough to say you can't live without them then you should love them enough to marry them. I hope she gets to him in time. He has had a very horrible weak. He should have gone to the doctor to make sure that nasty girl did not give him any diseases.
she will say yes. she was just... surprised.
Date: 24 Jun 2010 9:10 AM Title: Chapter 17: Edward's story BPOV
What a fuckin mess that was so the slut got to fuck him all day and that was payment to not marry her???? Did the bitch put a condom on Edward??????
she put a condom, though I don't think I mentioned it....
Date: 23 Jun 2010 11:15 PM Title: Chapter 6 Christmas time and This or That?
Not bad so far, if you want help editing your chapters, I could help if you'd like. It would make reading easier if it was beta'd, that way the correct tenses would be there.
I'm working on editing it... but only when I'd had them all edited, I'll repost it
Date: 23 May 2010 1:32 AM Title: Chapter 9 Funeral and complications
Wow lot going on is Tanya causeing problems for him is that why people are droping his magazine???
No, Tanya is inoffensive, actually. It's the crisis as I mentioned before.
Date: 22 May 2010 8:09 PM Title: Chapter 5 Reading and soul mates
So why did she let Jacob kiss her???
Well, she's confused. She tries to forgives him, but she doesn't want him back like that, just as a friend. She still hopes to make up with Edward, which she will.
Date: 22 May 2010 5:06 AM Title: Chapter 3 Jerkward and monsters on loose
I am confused about what is going on with Esme???? Why is Edward really being such a dick and please tell me he is not going to fuck Tanya.
Answering both your reviews, dogs smell trouble...well Jake knows Edward is trouble.
He won't be with Tanya and I will explain more in further chapters about his behavior.
Date: 21 May 2010 6:21 PM Title: Chapter 3 Jerkward and monsters on loose
I like it, but i'm not really following this last part? what's with Esme?
I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but maybe explain more in your story and describe a little more, if you understand what I mean ;)
I'll explain more in the story.